To My Fat Friend Who Is Scared of Yoga by Harmony Mae

Harmony in Virabhadrasana 1

To My Fat Friend Who Is Scared Of Yoga:

Look, I know why you don't want to try it. We both well know the annoying double lives we fat girls lead in exercise classes, which are generally tailored to the taut and tan. I see you out there, doubling up your exercise bras and compression pants, staking your spots in the back so people won't see your struggles to keep up with the instructor. The way you keep your chins up around the looky-loos and the whispers and giggles in the locker room. Girl, I see you! I know you. I am you. I have joined and quit more gyms than I can count on my fingers and toes. It isn't that I don't want to be there, it's just that there are only so many nasty whispers and giggles a person can take before they question their choice to pay to be mocked while sweating in front of strangers.

It isn't our fault- a typical gym isn't for you and I, or at least it feels that way sometimes. It's reinforced in a million tiny ways- the exercise equipment that doesn't fit our bodies; the complete absence of other people that look like us; the ways pictures of us exercising at said gyms are used for mockery, or even worse, fit-speration memes (vomit). It isn't that fat bodies CAN'T exercise. It's that the gym experience as we know it has been built on a foundation of mandating the transformation of fat bodies to thin at the sacrifice of all other things. By saying one kind of body is good and one kind is bad, and tailoring exercise and gym environments to "good" bodies, a lot of our "bad" bodies get left out. And then we get yelled at for not going to the gym. Ain't that something?

I weigh just north of 250 lbs. My body has always been fat, and if science is to be believed, probably always will be. My job is to love my body and take care of it to the best of my abilities, not apologize for it. It's taken a long time for me to learn that, and I won't put my hard-won confidence on the line in any exercise environment that makes me feel less than a person. Which leaves me with a dilemma: When you weigh as much as I do, people feel free to pile on the fitness advice, but they seem a hell of a lot less bothered to make you feel comfortable and welcome when you try to take it. There is a real need for spaces that nurture and encourage people like me to exercise. Fat bodies are different then thin bodies. We have different centers of gravity, we have flesh where skinny people do not, and our muscles are different because we carry our weight in different places. To exercise in a space where that is not only acknowledged but celebrated? It's amazing.

Before Yoga Enlarged, I always avoided yoga because I assumed it wasn't "for" me. Yoga people were tiny, perfectly balanced gazelles in Lululemons with coordinated water bottles. I am a curmudgeonly beast with a neurological condition that gives me the grace and agility of a tipsy circus bear. But after a strained knee derailed my weekly jogs, I realized I needed to diversify my physical activities to include flexibility and strength training if I wanted to make it to my 40s with both legs intact. After watching a few videos of fat yogis online and being amazed at what they could do, I decided to give Yoga Enlarged a try. Worse comes to worse I figured I'd fall on my ass, which I do frequently anyway. At least this time it would be on a padded mat.

In my first class, Joyce had us all sit, then asked us to reach behind ourselves and pull our butt flesh out of the way so we could feel where our sitbones were underneath us. This was a moment of epiphany for me. It literally never occurred to me that I could just pick up my flesh and scoot it out of the way like that before, and I'll be damned if that didn't make things easier. We talked about how to make poses work with big bellies, big boobs, big butts. We used foam blocks, straps, double and triple yoga mats, whatever it took to make a pose work. The challenge of yoga could be met, if I rose to it. And, you know, moved my butt out of the way first.

I am pleased to share that my body exceeded my every expectation.  It turns out I'm incredibly flexible and fairly strong, which means my body can do a lot more than I thought it could. Of course, that begs the question- why didn't I realize I could do those things? My body can do a sun salute! My body can downward dog! I would have never even tried to do those things before yoga taught me I could. And yes, it takes hard work, and perhaps they do not come as easily to me as they do to others, but I will be damned if anyone ever invited me to try them before Joyce and Angie did.

I think the reason that yoga in particular is an important practice for fat people is that it forces you to make an ally out of your body. Fat people are encouraged to keep a mental separation between themselves and their bodies. We always hear about the “skinny girl within”. The general idea is that the awful disgusting no-good fat body you're in is only acceptable if you consider it to be a transitional state to the nice, acceptable skinny body that you could have if you just wanted it enough. We disconnect from our current bodies, insulate ourselves with self-loathing, and convince ourselves that these useless fat lumps aren't worth the price of the clothes we dress them in. In the name of our imaginary perfect bodies, we forget that the real ones exist and can do amazing things.

It's a damn shame. But no worries: your fat body is already a perfect body, and it’s waiting to kick ass for you. Yoga reinforces that, because it doesn't permit you to distance yourself from your body at all. It demands that you embrace it and learn to live within it well. Every yoga class is a chance to breathe deep and appreciate everything it can do for you. It's a safe space to be physical, be playful, and enjoy living in the body you have instead of rejecting it or reducing it or thrashing it into submission.  Practicing yoga is a way to show your body some love, and enjoy being active in a space made just for you. That alone is worth attendance. Being able to hang out with a bunch of badass ladies and learn how to twist yourself up like a pretzel is just a bonus. (Though it does look pretty cool.) I hope you come find out for yourself sometime.