Why Yoga Enlarged: A Student's Story by Anna Beach

Anna in Natarajasana

One of my greatest struggles as a human has always been vacillating between extremes of low self-worth and potentially outsized notions of grandeur. I want to take on the world, but routinely become discouraged when the world reminds me how large and unconquerable it can be. My attitudes toward physical activity have often taken on a similar vibe. I want to run a marathon, I want to be able to do the splits. I want to be perfect, which, alas, is impossible. And so, for as long as I can remember classifying myself as fat (9 years old on) I have alternately endeavored to overcome my perceived imperfection, and hated myself when I couldn’t change all at once.

I first encountered Angie when she taught my mother and I to knit socks when I was a senior in high school. I remember being impressed, amidst my Fiona Apple-fueled teenage angst, at how clearly she knew herself and at how she seemed very content with the life she had built. I signed up for a beginner’s Hatha class after college, and there was Angie again, teaching. I enjoyed it, but mostly because of scheduling, I didn’t keep up with it. So when I encountered her yet again, teaching something geared toward plus-size women, late last year, I was intrigued.

I know that being in a plus-size only zone allowed me to initially relax enough to stay with it and not be super concerned about whether I could do the same things everyone else was doing. Almost eight months after committing to practicing yoga on a regular basis, I have lost 35 pounds, the shape of my body has changed, and I can move in ways that used to seem impossible or very uncomfortable. But the real shift for me has been in the way I mentally process myself. I have grown leaps and bounds in loving myself this year, and I know that this would not have been possible without yoga, and specifically without the guidance of Joyce and Angie.

The space at Replenish is quite lovely. I have an affinity for old buildings, and I feel that practicing in a space that has itself withstood years of change is energetically powerful. The emphasis on making modifications readily available and listening to your body makes this a healing and restorative practice, even as it is active. I feel that often, in the world of yoga, there are teachers who spew a lot of jargon and yogic philosophy and then completely abandon that in their physical practice. Both Angie and Joyce are masterful at real talk. They want you to get the best out of the class, but they aren’t afraid to acknowledge difficulty, tell you it’s okay not to do something, and call bullshit on Rodney Yee (my personal favorite). I don’t believe I have ever attended a class where there hasn’t been some laughter, and I love this. Yoga Enlarged is spiritual without being preachy, challenging without being difficult, and impactful without being somber.

Whatever the world may tell me, I leave each class reminded that big women are powerful, that power and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive, and that I am capable of more than I think. Osho writes, “The moment you accept yourself, you become beautiful.” Over the past couple months, there’s been an uptick in customers, friends, and family members telling me I look pretty, or simply gravitating toward me. I know that sounds vain, and perhaps it is. But I truly think it is because they can sense a happiness in me that wasn’t there before, and I attribute much of this to yoga. Unlike Osho, I don’t think self-acceptance comes in a moment. As a woman, a perfectionist, a creative, I’m going to be working on achieving that feeling my whole life. I know only this: when I get on the mat, surrounded by distressed brick walls, when I am guided through poses by Angie, when Joyce Eubanks’ Maya Angelou voice tells me to breathe, the noise in my head quiets enough that happiness seems within reach. Without ever looking at my reflection, I feel beautiful. I am beautiful.