The Power of Permission: A Student's Story by Jenny Maro

Jenny in Ustrasana

I have been the fat girl since I was 9 years old.

I remember when I was younger and thinner my mother always took me to dance classes (tap, ballet, jazz). It stopped at 9. I don't recall why, however, since that point I began thinking there were just things you were not allowed to do if you weren't thin enough. I would, as I grew older, sometimes try activities but if I saw that I was only fat person in the room I would feel uncomfortable and any time I missed a step or couldn't pick up on a move as a fast as others I'd shut down and move on.

Yoga was one of those activities. I had tried a few dvds but my body could not do what the skinny people on the TV could. Years later I had begun learning belly dance from Angie Hay. This lead me to face the fact that body size didn't restrict me from anything, my own beliefs were the only limitation. Angie decided to take yoga teacher training. She offered to teach a series of yoga classes to prepare for her evaluation. Here was an opportunity to see if I could get past my limiting belief about my size and practice yoga. Turns out I could. 

When Angie and Joyce began offering classes by and for the fuller bodied yogi, I happily signed up. Where I'd often felt self conscious in classes being the big and awkward student at Yoga Enlarged I am not distracted by my size. Angie and Joyce often offer modifications without students having to ask. I feel empowered to ask for additional instruction if my particular curves need a different work around. Angie and Joyce answer without making me feel awkward or that I am distracting from the rest of the class. They are thoughtful, mindful, resourceful and educated. The class is embracing and a haven where I do not feel my body takes up too much space, or that I have to punish myself or apologize for my size. It is a safe space where I can freely experiment with what my body can accomplish without feeling like I have to force it into a pose the way a skinny person would.

If You Fall, You Don't Have Far To Go: A Student's Story by Brooke Jackson

Brooke in Virabhadrasana III

A little over two years ago, I delivered my second son by emergency c-section. Not the birth plan I was going for, instead of basking in the same type of post-baby glow that I had with my firstborn, I found myself physically drained, in a lot of pain, and dependent on others to do even the simplest thing for me. The impact of that experience not only bruised my body, but my emotions. I have struggled with anxiety all my life and the out-of-my-control circumstances of my little man’s entrance into the world kicked it into high gear.

Because exercise would be restricted for a few months, my doctor suggested yoga. I told her I would consider it; but, I was terrified thinking about it. The only other time that I had attempted a formal class was abysmal – I couldn't move as fluidly as the others and I didn't seem to possess the same strength and control over my own body. I looked online for a local class, but kept seeing picture after picture of women who didn't look like me twisted into shapes or balance poses that I could never fathom myself attempting. The closer I got to walking into a studio for a session, the more panicked I became. One day, my internet search brought me to a picture of Joyce, with her personal yoga story detailed next to her photo. I felt an immediate comfort reading the words of her own experiences and realizing that she was a yoga instructor! So, I signed up for class.

My first class concluded with such a sense of relief—not because I had mastered any move at all, but because I felt like I fit there – like we were all in the same boat, heading the same direction. Instead of fat-shaming, Angie and Joyce helped us appreciate the things our bodies could do. Rather than focus on our limitations, they showed us variations of asanas that let everyone participate and grow in their own practice, in their own time. Angie’s gentle admonitions that our version of tree pose was “whatever your body can do today”, and Joyce’s encouragement to try something, because “what's the worst that can happen? If you fall, you don't have far to go,” were perfectly planted and made me love what I could accomplish, rather than focus on what I couldn't.  Over the past two years, I went from not being able to do a sit up anymore (cut muscles will do that for you) to being able to balance in crow and support myself in shoulder stand. I vividly remember the first time I felt strong again post-op; and, it was powerful.

But, the strength I gained was not merely physical. Yoga helped me breathe – not just through asanas, but through stresses off the mat. It helped me understand what feeling grounded is like, even in the midst of external annoyances and drama. And, it has increased my confidence to do things I have been historically afraid of. Because of yoga, this year, at 36 years of age, I signed up for swimming lessons! After a lifetime of being terrified of the water, I thought back over my last two years and realized how much richer and stronger I had become and decided, why not? What's the worst that can happen? (And then practiced some pranayama before signing up, because thinking the worst is something I do very well!) But three weeks in, I'm actually swimming – something that I would not have done two years ago. Because pre-Yoga Enlarged Brooke never would have thought she could.

Why Yoga Enlarged: A Student's Story by Anna Beach

Anna in Natarajasana

One of my greatest struggles as a human has always been vacillating between extremes of low self-worth and potentially outsized notions of grandeur. I want to take on the world, but routinely become discouraged when the world reminds me how large and unconquerable it can be. My attitudes toward physical activity have often taken on a similar vibe. I want to run a marathon, I want to be able to do the splits. I want to be perfect, which, alas, is impossible. And so, for as long as I can remember classifying myself as fat (9 years old on) I have alternately endeavored to overcome my perceived imperfection, and hated myself when I couldn’t change all at once.

I first encountered Angie when she taught my mother and I to knit socks when I was a senior in high school. I remember being impressed, amidst my Fiona Apple-fueled teenage angst, at how clearly she knew herself and at how she seemed very content with the life she had built. I signed up for a beginner’s Hatha class after college, and there was Angie again, teaching. I enjoyed it, but mostly because of scheduling, I didn’t keep up with it. So when I encountered her yet again, teaching something geared toward plus-size women, late last year, I was intrigued.

I know that being in a plus-size only zone allowed me to initially relax enough to stay with it and not be super concerned about whether I could do the same things everyone else was doing. Almost eight months after committing to practicing yoga on a regular basis, I have lost 35 pounds, the shape of my body has changed, and I can move in ways that used to seem impossible or very uncomfortable. But the real shift for me has been in the way I mentally process myself. I have grown leaps and bounds in loving myself this year, and I know that this would not have been possible without yoga, and specifically without the guidance of Joyce and Angie.

The space at Replenish is quite lovely. I have an affinity for old buildings, and I feel that practicing in a space that has itself withstood years of change is energetically powerful. The emphasis on making modifications readily available and listening to your body makes this a healing and restorative practice, even as it is active. I feel that often, in the world of yoga, there are teachers who spew a lot of jargon and yogic philosophy and then completely abandon that in their physical practice. Both Angie and Joyce are masterful at real talk. They want you to get the best out of the class, but they aren’t afraid to acknowledge difficulty, tell you it’s okay not to do something, and call bullshit on Rodney Yee (my personal favorite). I don’t believe I have ever attended a class where there hasn’t been some laughter, and I love this. Yoga Enlarged is spiritual without being preachy, challenging without being difficult, and impactful without being somber.

Whatever the world may tell me, I leave each class reminded that big women are powerful, that power and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive, and that I am capable of more than I think. Osho writes, “The moment you accept yourself, you become beautiful.” Over the past couple months, there’s been an uptick in customers, friends, and family members telling me I look pretty, or simply gravitating toward me. I know that sounds vain, and perhaps it is. But I truly think it is because they can sense a happiness in me that wasn’t there before, and I attribute much of this to yoga. Unlike Osho, I don’t think self-acceptance comes in a moment. As a woman, a perfectionist, a creative, I’m going to be working on achieving that feeling my whole life. I know only this: when I get on the mat, surrounded by distressed brick walls, when I am guided through poses by Angie, when Joyce Eubanks’ Maya Angelou voice tells me to breathe, the noise in my head quiets enough that happiness seems within reach. Without ever looking at my reflection, I feel beautiful. I am beautiful.